What school does

So if you don't know already, I'm from Asia. Yup. 100% Asian. Unfortunately I'm not gifted by the term that Americans have given us that asian people= smartest. God, how I wished that was true. Anyway, I know I am literally the most laziest person in the whole of Asia. I procrastinate. I don't give a crap during class and I'm just all in all an average student. Maybe a bit higher but nothing that exceeds people's expectations on myself. Unlike my best friends, I'm not naturally intelligent and sometimes it kind of sucks because unlike me, they don't really have to put that much of effort into their studies. I would have to. Constantly. Every day.

   However,
That doesn't mean that I'm not capable of being in the science field just like them. I am. I am capable of doing whatever the hell I want. And the sad part is. I've always had that passion in me. The passion that I'm capable of doing whatever I want. Some people may call it overconfident and maybe that's true but I still had that faith in me. For a person running a school to belittle me and tell me that I'm not good enough and that I'm going to struggle is beyond disgusting. Not only that but the fact that this person could humiliate me in front of my peers. That just left me breathless. I used to think that the Sun rose and set on this person and now that they've done this, I can't even look at this person.

How dare you tell me that I'm not good enough? And btw she did this a week before finals. Perfect timing, am I right? Sometimes I wonder if it's only the Asian culture that tolerates all this bullshit. All the faith and belief I had in myself instantly vanished. The anxiety I have every day when I come to school now is an 11 on a scale from 1-5.My hands are constantly sweaty, I'm constantly in a daze and every little thing now could press my waterworks button. I am always looking at the clock counting down the hours, minutes, seconds until I go back home. Home. My solace. Isn't that sad? People all over the world are desperately fighting for the right of education to all while I'm here, privileged to not only go to school, but to an international school; and yet still feel like absolute shit.

Why do people who run schools do this? Completely discourage the students who seem average. I know that I'm to blame for some part but what's the point of having a school with teachers and a principle if all they're going to do is destroy your self esteem and make you feel worthless? I might as well stay at home and self-study. I could learn at my own pace without facing people who make me feel useless.

I'm a teenager. Better yet, I'm a human being. A developing one. A fresh human being. 15 years on Earth isn't a lot. These 15 years have opened my eyes so much on the education mentality on Asians. After what had happened that day, the only thing on my mind is 'I'm not good enough and I never will be'. Imagine that being repeated in your head at least 500 times a day.

I have much more to offer on Earth. Much more than getting up at the crack of dawn, wearing a shitty uniform and learning the same things over and over and over. I can't take it anymore. Maybe that's why I'm slowly succumbing to the pulling of giving up. Letting it swallow me whole. It's already half way there. I try and when I try and manage to improve, I don't get credit.

That's the problem with our world. No one cares about improvement. People only want the best. But everyone forgets that when a baby tries to walk you encourage. You do not laugh at the baby and say it's impossible. And when the baby manages to stand on her two feet for 5 seconds, you clap and you celebrate. And the time increases from 5 seconds to 10, to 1 minute; to a lifetime. And then suddenly, no one's celebrating at how far you've managed to go through in this life. How much you've improved at your life. People care about what grades you get. You are defined by your grades. LEADERSHIP tests are even given. Getting a 20/20 on it means you're a good leader. The lesser marks you get, the lessser of a rolemodel, or perfect student you are.

I really do have a lot to offer. But now all I'm forced to do is to memorize. Memorize everything. Formulas, equations, questions, etc. I bet you if I studied hard enough, I would be able to use all those formulas and equations for the right questions. Do you know the one question I still can't answer, though? What am I good at. Give me that one question and my whole brain starts to malfunction. I'm not good at anything.

Dear humans who are currently running our Earth,
don't screw our lives. You've lived yours.