Monday, February 26, 2018
2018
So it's been a quick minute ;)
Sorry for leaving to whoever who cared enough to read my posts. It's been like 3 years?
I'm 18 now wooohooooooo (sad lowkey)
I guess my text style has changed if you haven't noticed.
A lot has happened over the years but nothing that I couldn't come out of (at least I hope not).
What do you want me to say? I could spend hours just typing out all of my feelings and thoughts but they're all so cluttered in my mind that I can't even think of one to say right now. Well.. there's this one person that I am in love with but we shan't go into that too much. Let's just say that due to circumstances, we can't be together and I don't really know how he feels for me.. confused by the whole thing actually.
I've just started to live a clean and healthy lifestyle. Kind of sucks tbh I hate giving up the one thing that has comforted me for years- good junk food; but I guess that if I want to grow, I have to go out of my comfort zone and find other alternatives to being comfortable which are healthy and better.
I start College in a month and I am pretty scared, you know. I am gonna have to dedicate 4 years of my life towards my passion and the thing that scares me the most is actually being successful. I have the strong passion and desire and I just don't want to see myself fail. I'm pretty lonely nowadays too... no one in real life seems to be sparking any interest in me. I think I have a problem socialising with people I meet in real life because I am barely interested in any of them romantically. They would just be temporary feelings until I get bored and move on. A distraction? hmmm
I wish I could find someone that gives me that feeling. I haven't felt that feeling since I was 15 tbh, when I had my first love. It's pretty stupid but eventhough the person was online, I felt a more real connection than any of the guys I've been with. Maybe I'm just scared to give real relationships a try. Something so serious is bound to be destroyed in today's world. Anyway, no one has made me want to try something serious with them. I would think so until they just stop giving a shit about trying new things or talking about things that I would've never have thought about to discuss... New things that seem to open up my thinking and mind always make me feel a certain way and no guy in real life has been that socially open.
Am I too picky? The answer is no. I know what I want and till then, I'm not going to succumb anymore to settling for less. I used to always be that girl that would date a guy I'd see potential but that can't be the right thing to do anymore. He HAS to be potential-material now and not possibly in the future. I shouldn't be wanting to change a man for my own benefit. It's either I find him or I just don't entertain.
Anyway enough serious talk. I've been pretty good. I love typing on this laptop. I got a ps4 and I've been playing call of duty ww2 almost every day till late at night (unhealthy I know and I haven't done that in 2 days so far). If you want to add my psn it's reignwolf13
Until next time
- Sharwini
Tuesday, November 3, 2015
What school does
So if you don't know already, I'm from Asia. Yup. 100% Asian. Unfortunately I'm not gifted by the term that Americans have given us that asian people= smartest. God, how I wished that was true. Anyway, I know I am literally the most laziest person in the whole of Asia. I procrastinate. I don't give a crap during class and I'm just all in all an average student. Maybe a bit higher but nothing that exceeds people's expectations on myself. Unlike my best friends, I'm not naturally intelligent and sometimes it kind of sucks because unlike me, they don't really have to put that much of effort into their studies. I would have to. Constantly. Every day.
However,
That doesn't mean that I'm not capable of being in the science field just like them. I am. I am capable of doing whatever the hell I want. And the sad part is. I've always had that passion in me. The passion that I'm capable of doing whatever I want. Some people may call it overconfident and maybe that's true but I still had that faith in me. For a person running a school to belittle me and tell me that I'm not good enough and that I'm going to struggle is beyond disgusting. Not only that but the fact that this person could humiliate me in front of my peers. That just left me breathless. I used to think that the Sun rose and set on this person and now that they've done this, I can't even look at this person.
How dare you tell me that I'm not good enough? And btw she did this a week before finals. Perfect timing, am I right? Sometimes I wonder if it's only the Asian culture that tolerates all this bullshit. All the faith and belief I had in myself instantly vanished. The anxiety I have every day when I come to school now is an 11 on a scale from 1-5.My hands are constantly sweaty, I'm constantly in a daze and every little thing now could press my waterworks button. I am always looking at the clock counting down the hours, minutes, seconds until I go back home. Home. My solace. Isn't that sad? People all over the world are desperately fighting for the right of education to all while I'm here, privileged to not only go to school, but to an international school; and yet still feel like absolute shit.
Why do people who run schools do this? Completely discourage the students who seem average. I know that I'm to blame for some part but what's the point of having a school with teachers and a principle if all they're going to do is destroy your self esteem and make you feel worthless? I might as well stay at home and self-study. I could learn at my own pace without facing people who make me feel useless.
I'm a teenager. Better yet, I'm a human being. A developing one. A fresh human being. 15 years on Earth isn't a lot. These 15 years have opened my eyes so much on the education mentality on Asians. After what had happened that day, the only thing on my mind is 'I'm not good enough and I never will be'. Imagine that being repeated in your head at least 500 times a day.
I have much more to offer on Earth. Much more than getting up at the crack of dawn, wearing a shitty uniform and learning the same things over and over and over. I can't take it anymore. Maybe that's why I'm slowly succumbing to the pulling of giving up. Letting it swallow me whole. It's already half way there. I try and when I try and manage to improve, I don't get credit.
That's the problem with our world. No one cares about improvement. People only want the best. But everyone forgets that when a baby tries to walk you encourage. You do not laugh at the baby and say it's impossible. And when the baby manages to stand on her two feet for 5 seconds, you clap and you celebrate. And the time increases from 5 seconds to 10, to 1 minute; to a lifetime. And then suddenly, no one's celebrating at how far you've managed to go through in this life. How much you've improved at your life. People care about what grades you get. You are defined by your grades. LEADERSHIP tests are even given. Getting a 20/20 on it means you're a good leader. The lesser marks you get, the lessser of a rolemodel, or perfect student you are.
I really do have a lot to offer. But now all I'm forced to do is to memorize. Memorize everything. Formulas, equations, questions, etc. I bet you if I studied hard enough, I would be able to use all those formulas and equations for the right questions. Do you know the one question I still can't answer, though? What am I good at. Give me that one question and my whole brain starts to malfunction. I'm not good at anything.
Dear humans who are currently running our Earth,
don't screw our lives. You've lived yours.
However,
That doesn't mean that I'm not capable of being in the science field just like them. I am. I am capable of doing whatever the hell I want. And the sad part is. I've always had that passion in me. The passion that I'm capable of doing whatever I want. Some people may call it overconfident and maybe that's true but I still had that faith in me. For a person running a school to belittle me and tell me that I'm not good enough and that I'm going to struggle is beyond disgusting. Not only that but the fact that this person could humiliate me in front of my peers. That just left me breathless. I used to think that the Sun rose and set on this person and now that they've done this, I can't even look at this person.
How dare you tell me that I'm not good enough? And btw she did this a week before finals. Perfect timing, am I right? Sometimes I wonder if it's only the Asian culture that tolerates all this bullshit. All the faith and belief I had in myself instantly vanished. The anxiety I have every day when I come to school now is an 11 on a scale from 1-5.My hands are constantly sweaty, I'm constantly in a daze and every little thing now could press my waterworks button. I am always looking at the clock counting down the hours, minutes, seconds until I go back home. Home. My solace. Isn't that sad? People all over the world are desperately fighting for the right of education to all while I'm here, privileged to not only go to school, but to an international school; and yet still feel like absolute shit.
Why do people who run schools do this? Completely discourage the students who seem average. I know that I'm to blame for some part but what's the point of having a school with teachers and a principle if all they're going to do is destroy your self esteem and make you feel worthless? I might as well stay at home and self-study. I could learn at my own pace without facing people who make me feel useless.
I'm a teenager. Better yet, I'm a human being. A developing one. A fresh human being. 15 years on Earth isn't a lot. These 15 years have opened my eyes so much on the education mentality on Asians. After what had happened that day, the only thing on my mind is 'I'm not good enough and I never will be'. Imagine that being repeated in your head at least 500 times a day.
I have much more to offer on Earth. Much more than getting up at the crack of dawn, wearing a shitty uniform and learning the same things over and over and over. I can't take it anymore. Maybe that's why I'm slowly succumbing to the pulling of giving up. Letting it swallow me whole. It's already half way there. I try and when I try and manage to improve, I don't get credit.
That's the problem with our world. No one cares about improvement. People only want the best. But everyone forgets that when a baby tries to walk you encourage. You do not laugh at the baby and say it's impossible. And when the baby manages to stand on her two feet for 5 seconds, you clap and you celebrate. And the time increases from 5 seconds to 10, to 1 minute; to a lifetime. And then suddenly, no one's celebrating at how far you've managed to go through in this life. How much you've improved at your life. People care about what grades you get. You are defined by your grades. LEADERSHIP tests are even given. Getting a 20/20 on it means you're a good leader. The lesser marks you get, the lessser of a rolemodel, or perfect student you are.
I really do have a lot to offer. But now all I'm forced to do is to memorize. Memorize everything. Formulas, equations, questions, etc. I bet you if I studied hard enough, I would be able to use all those formulas and equations for the right questions. Do you know the one question I still can't answer, though? What am I good at. Give me that one question and my whole brain starts to malfunction. I'm not good at anything.
Dear humans who are currently running our Earth,
don't screw our lives. You've lived yours.
Sunday, October 11, 2015
Saturday, July 25, 2015
Space
I think from time to time, space is healthy and much necessary.
I'm not promoting people to be alone and just keep company with themselves. Hell no. I'm just saying, out of 24 hours we need at least 1-2 hours by ourselves, completely alone, having our 'me' time.
I need personal space for 2 hours a day. I live in a house with 5 grown people and I share a room with my 19 year old sister. I wish I had my own room because let's be honest, we all like to be alone at some point. Just chilling and doing your own thing without someone watching you. And I just get so angry whenever I want to be in the room and she's there. That's why if you're in the same situation as I am (sharing a room), it's fine to ask that person whether you could have the room for at LEAST 30 minutes. It would greatly impact your mood and your life tbh.
Have a great weekend :)
I'm not promoting people to be alone and just keep company with themselves. Hell no. I'm just saying, out of 24 hours we need at least 1-2 hours by ourselves, completely alone, having our 'me' time.
I need personal space for 2 hours a day. I live in a house with 5 grown people and I share a room with my 19 year old sister. I wish I had my own room because let's be honest, we all like to be alone at some point. Just chilling and doing your own thing without someone watching you. And I just get so angry whenever I want to be in the room and she's there. That's why if you're in the same situation as I am (sharing a room), it's fine to ask that person whether you could have the room for at LEAST 30 minutes. It would greatly impact your mood and your life tbh.
Have a great weekend :)
Friday, July 17, 2015
Career Options
July 18, 2015
12:07 pm
Saturday
Remember back in the day when people were not permitted or rather couldn't further their studies... not even to secondary school? Or if they did, their parents would be the ones deciding their career options which were obviously either a doctor, engineer or lawyer(?)
Well, I kinda think it's harder nowadays too. Yes, most of us have the freedom to pursue any career we would like to. But we'd have to be thinking for finances, am I right? Screw the saying "Money can't buy you happiness". If I can have a roof over my head, food, transportation and enough money to buy my family presents, then damn that's all the happiness I need!
For the past year, my main focus was to be a surgeon, specifying in neurology. Trust me, it's not because of my Asian parents at all. Not even because of Grey's Anatomy :3. I've just always wanted to cut people up and feel a beating heart in my hand. Or actually get to save someone's life. I've always loved hospitals, although most of my family members don't. I like the aura it brings (and no not the dead people aura). It's fascinating to me that someone can actually help save a life. And there are so many questions to which I'd like to find the answer for myself.
But I've been thinking for a couple of days about another career option. Something which brings me unlimited amounts of happiness and something which I do out of boredom too. Being in the video game field. Trust me when I say this that I'm not a 'gamer girl'. That's just plain stupid. A thing which 'Tumblr' girls created to make guys like them. If I'm into that certain kind of video game, I'd play it or watch walkthroughs. I've always liked this video-game, comic kinda life and I've never really thought of it as a job until now. But what would my father say. All three of my siblings are in the humanities side of job. I don't understand him tbh. You get paid more being in the 'Arts' (Lawyers hello?)
He always gets excited when I tell him about like scientific stuff and how I'd like to be a neurosurgeon.
Ever since I learnt to use the computer, I would learn and learn and always impress my parents especially with my computer knowledge. I spend my free time editing pictures and reading the introverts of video games (E.g: The Last of Us). The transition of Ellie and Joel. There's also a theory that Bill is actually gay. I even analyzed celebrities who could play Joel (Eric Dane is perfect ♥)
I know it may seem like I'm an amateur but I feel like I could really make this thing work.
Maybe I could do both I guess?
I'd have to make my mind up before my exams which are in October. I'll ttyl ♥♥♥
12:07 pm
Saturday
Remember back in the day when people were not permitted or rather couldn't further their studies... not even to secondary school? Or if they did, their parents would be the ones deciding their career options which were obviously either a doctor, engineer or lawyer(?)
Well, I kinda think it's harder nowadays too. Yes, most of us have the freedom to pursue any career we would like to. But we'd have to be thinking for finances, am I right? Screw the saying "Money can't buy you happiness". If I can have a roof over my head, food, transportation and enough money to buy my family presents, then damn that's all the happiness I need!
For the past year, my main focus was to be a surgeon, specifying in neurology. Trust me, it's not because of my Asian parents at all. Not even because of Grey's Anatomy :3. I've just always wanted to cut people up and feel a beating heart in my hand. Or actually get to save someone's life. I've always loved hospitals, although most of my family members don't. I like the aura it brings (and no not the dead people aura). It's fascinating to me that someone can actually help save a life. And there are so many questions to which I'd like to find the answer for myself.
But I've been thinking for a couple of days about another career option. Something which brings me unlimited amounts of happiness and something which I do out of boredom too. Being in the video game field. Trust me when I say this that I'm not a 'gamer girl'. That's just plain stupid. A thing which 'Tumblr' girls created to make guys like them. If I'm into that certain kind of video game, I'd play it or watch walkthroughs. I've always liked this video-game, comic kinda life and I've never really thought of it as a job until now. But what would my father say. All three of my siblings are in the humanities side of job. I don't understand him tbh. You get paid more being in the 'Arts' (Lawyers hello?)
He always gets excited when I tell him about like scientific stuff and how I'd like to be a neurosurgeon.
Ever since I learnt to use the computer, I would learn and learn and always impress my parents especially with my computer knowledge. I spend my free time editing pictures and reading the introverts of video games (E.g: The Last of Us). The transition of Ellie and Joel. There's also a theory that Bill is actually gay. I even analyzed celebrities who could play Joel (Eric Dane is perfect ♥)
I know it may seem like I'm an amateur but I feel like I could really make this thing work.
Maybe I could do both I guess?
I'd have to make my mind up before my exams which are in October. I'll ttyl ♥♥♥
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